The New York Mets have done it! The Mets win, the Mets win!  In a stunning display of  what looked like Major League Baseball to an untrained eye, this rag tag team of  little leaguers actually pulled one out, beating the Dbacks 6-4.  If I knew it was going to be that kind of a party, I would have stuck my dick, in the mash potatoes.

In other news, worst free agent signing in history, Oliver Perez, still sucks moose cock.  In 5.1 innings, he gave up 6 hits and 6 walks, but somehow, someway, actually only allowed 1 run to score.  Somebody pull down my pants and spank my ass.

The pitch in the picture above actually sailed in to the dug out and struck trainer/ masseuse, Marge Battaglia, in the neck while she was eating her second six foot sub of the day.  She was unharmed as the ball bounced back on to the field after striking her.

The Mets had two triples and 9 singles.  Cory Sullivan hit the triples, David Wright went 3 for 4, and Tatis also had 3 hits.  These motherfuckers have some serious power.

K-Rod made it scary in the ninth as usual, as he continues his downhill slide from premier closer, to Aaron Heilman.  But somehow, he came through as well, giving up a few hits and a run, but ultimately got the save.

After the game, Omar Minaya said, “who the fuck are these guys?  I do not have a clue who these guys are.  I haven’t seen this much power since Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa put on that clinic a few years back.”  Minaya later said, he did not even know how these guys got uniforms and he was starting an investigation.  He went on to say, “But whoever the fuck they are, for now, they are playing!”.

The Mets were crushing singles left and right.  I guess beggars can’t be choosers, right?

The Mets finish up their three game series against the Dbacks this afternoon at Chase Field.   Mets are looking to have a shittier record than the Dbacks.

Cory Sullivan is leading off (why Pagan is not playing, I have no fuckin clue!), followed by Alex Cora, David Wright, Gary Sheffield, Jeff Francoeur, Fernando Tatis, Omir Santos and Anderson “I eat Cock Sandwiches” Hernandez.

Worst free agent signing of all time, Oliver Perez (2-3, 6.38 ERA) will hurl meatballs for the Mets. Perez had a decent outing in San Diego during his last start.   That means, today should be a fuckin disaster, if the past is a good predictor of the future.

Jon Garland (6-10, 4.33 ERA) will hurl slop for the Diamondbacks. Garland pitched a complete game in his last start at Citi Field on August 2.  Lets just hope this douchebag does not have a repeat performance.

With 143 year old, 63 mph meatball tosser,  Livan Hernandez (7-7, 5.28 ERA) on the mound tonight and David Wright, Gary Sheffield, and Angel Pagan on the bench, you knew this shit was not going to be pretty.  In 4 innings, Hernandez gave up 6 hits, 3 walks, and 5 runs and took some balls on the chin from the Dbacks in the 5-2 loss.

I got some fucking news for the New York Mets and Livan Hernandez… they are on to you, and by they I mean everyone.  How long did you really fucking think you could trick Major League baseball players into missing 58 mph fastballs?  I could see it working once or twice, because these big bastards are used to hitting 100mph fastballs.  A guy coming in pitching 56mph, could throw you off a bit.  But now, when they know this senior citizen is pitching, they call in a little leaguer to throw batting practice, and by game time, these motherfuckers are creaming the ball like he is tossing underhand.

Jeff Franceour smashed a homerun  to the leftfield seats for the Mets in the 2nd and Fernando Tatis scored on a single by Alex Cora in the 4th.  Franceour also tripled, and continues to be hot.  I actually like this guy, and I hope he sticks around for a minute.  He was the only good move we made all year.

Schneider sucks cock and balls and has to go. ASAP!

Mets sloppy field play continued with 2 more errors by these dick bags who all suck…

The Mets continue their series against the D-Backs tonight at 9:40 pm, with 143 year old, 63 mph meatball tosser,  Livan Hernandez (7-6, 5.08 ERA) against Max “May The Schwartz Be With You” Scherzer (6-6, 4.01 ERA).

Cory Sullivan is leading off, followed by Luis Castillo, Fernando Tatis, Daniel Murphy, Jeff Francoeur, Jeremy Reed, Alex Cora, and worst hitting catcher of all time Brian Schneider behind the plate.

143 year old, 63 mph meatball tosser, Hernandez has allowed at least seventeen runs per game in three of his last six starts, including his last start against the Padres, which by the way was a complete disaster.

Tonight,  David Wright and Gary Sheffield will be twisting their  carrots in the clubhouse.

The Mets have lost nine of their last 12 games, during which our hopes of a playoff run, were squashed like this chinese guys head…

Doug Davis had a two-run double and won his third straight decision, Trent Oeltjen hit his third homer in four major league games and the Arizona Diamondbacks sent the New York Mets to their ninth loss in 12 games, 7-4 on Monday night.

Oeltjen made it 6-2 in the seventh. Oeltjen, who also doubled, hit the under hand meatball from Mets reliever Elmer Dessens to Dallas.

Fernando Tatis had a two-run triple off Davis (7-10) in the fourth inning. Thanks Douchebag, where the fuck have you been all year?

Davis, who is 3-1 in eight career starts against the Mets, won back-to-back starts for the first time since having surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid in April 2008. Davis beat the Los Angeles Dodgers on April 8 before his surgery two days later, then won in his return against Atlanta on May 23.

That’s pretty depressing considering we have fuckin guys on the DL who can’t come back from an in grown fuckin toe nail.  We need motherfuckin warriors like this Davis character.

The Mets scored twice in the fourth and twice in the ninth off closer Chad Qualls, when Anderson Hernandez doubled in Murphy, who led off the inning with a single. Pagan added an RBI single. To little too fuckin late, dick bones.

Pelfrey dropped to 0-4 in five starts against Arizona while losing his second straight meeting of the season. Well I guess we have all learned a valuable fuckin lesson, don’t let Pelfrey pitch against the Dbacks.  He is really not panning out to be as good as I thought he was going to be.  In fact, he sucks dingleberrys off of  Oliver Perez’s asshole.  Pelfrey had not pitched since a 5-2 loss to the Diamondbacks on Aug. 2, because his wife gave birth to a fuckin ugly baby (see Mike Pelfrey Tag).

The whole team watched as their season went down like the Hindenberg…

The Mets (52–59) begin a three-game disaster waiting to happen with the D-Backs (50–62) in Arizona tonight at 9:40 pm, with Mike “I just had one ugly baby” Pelfrey (8-7, 4.75 ERA) taking on Doug “The Slug” Davis (6-10, 3.67).  The Mets have a better record in the standings by a cunt hair.  We will see how that plays out after the series though.

The Single “A” line up of the night is as follows: Angel Pagan is leading off, followed by Luis Castillo, David Wright, Jeff Francoeur, Fernando Tatis, Daniel Murphy, Omir Santos, and Anderson Hernandez.

Pelfrey has been a disaster in four career starts against Arizona going 0-3 in that span.

Davis is 2-1 with a 4.83 ERA in seven starts against the Mets and has the habit of eating cock sandwiches a lot.

This season, the Mets have lost Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, Carlos Delgado, John Maine, Jon Niese and J.J. Putz to major injuries, while Oliver Perez, Brian Schneider, Fernando Martinez, Ryan Church, Gary Sheffield and Alex Cora all spent time on the disabled list, and Luis Castillo twisted his ankle falling down the dugout steps.

The latest, Jon Niese, was put on the 60–day disabled list, and replaced him on the roster with RHP Elmer Dessens.

The 38–year-old Dessens allowed five runs and nine hits in 12 innings pitched for the Mets earlier this season.  Elmers pitching abilities can be summed up in one word…Shitty.

The Mets have traded minor-league infielder Greg Veloz to the Nationals for infielder Anderson Hernandez.  Andersons batting abilities can be summed up in one word… Shitty.

Hernandez is expected to join the Mets tomorrow in San Diego.

According to MetsBlog.com …the buzz from Citi Field yesterday suggested Bobby Parnell could get Monday’s start against the D-Backs, in place of  Jon Niese who will have season-ending surgery on his hamstring…

Bobby Parnell throws one pitch.  So what if he could throw 100mph.   What good is that if he is throwing Meatballs (or should I say MetsBalls) right down the middle of the plate?  We might as well put Mel Stottlemeyer Sr. on the mound.  This could be a major disaster, but at this point in the season, who gives a flying fuck?

Nelson Figueroa tossed meatballs (dare I say MetsBalls) for 1.2 innings before he was ejected from the stadium by Jerry Manuel, after allowing 10 hits and 6 runs.   Three of those runs, were meatballs that were crushed for home runs. Finally, Tim “the Tool” Redding took over.   Redding, actually was not that shitty.  Four relievers combined to shut out the Diamondbacks after Figueroa left, giving New York a chance to rally.

“That was one shitty performance,” Manuel said about Figueroa’s performance.  “I am fuckin speechless”, he went on to say “one of the worst pitching displays I have ever seen.  Those cock sandwiches were fuckin clockin the baseball off this guy.”

Daniel Murphy homered and Luis Castillo drove in two runs for New York, but still came up short in the 6-5 loss to the Dbacks.  The Mets have lost four of five after winning five consecutive games.

Shortly after the game, this guy was seen walking towards the club house…

The New York Mets have dropped 2 of three to the lowly Dbacks, losing today 5-2. Losing to one of the worst teams in baseball hurts enough, but to have to endure an outstanding pitching display by Jon Garland, hurts even more. Garland pitched a complete game for the victory. I would rather say that Mike Pelfrey pitched a coal stone instead of Jon Garland pitched a gem. I know, I am an asshole that way.

After being down early, New York responded with three straight extra-base hits to start the bottom half of the 7th. Francoeur led off by crushing a shot to left, giving him four homers and 19 RBIs in 19 games since joining the Mets in a trade from Atlanta. He had five homers and 35 RBIs in 82 games with the Braves. The offense was weak, although Jeff Francoeur has continued to be a good addition, at least for the time being.

Omar Minaya announced his plans for the rest of the season when he rolled this on the field after the loss.

Angel Pagan hit a tiebreaking grand slam in the eighth inning and the New York Mets beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 9-6 on Saturday night.

Pagan’s first home run in two injury-plagued seasons with the Mets gave him a career-high five RBIs. Brian Schneider hit an early RBI double and New York got strong relief work from winner Pedro Feliciano (4-3).

Pagan hit a drive into the left-field seats for his first career slam, giving the Mets a 9-5 lead and sending the crowd of 39,574 into a frenzy. After circling the bases, he came out for a curtain call right after he received a reach around from Omir Santos.

Brian Stokes retired the first two batters in the ninth, then served up a meatball and gave up a mammoth solo shot to Reynolds. The ball landed in the rubble of Shea Stadium, about 683 feet above and to the left of the 408 sign in center, one of the longest home runs in recorded history.

Francisco Rodriguez retired nipple pinch-hitter Miguel Montero on a popup for his 24th save in 27 chances.

New York had dropped two in a row following a five-game winning streak.

Worst bust in the history of sports, Mets starter Oliver Perez, was terrible as usual, throwing 112 pitches through five innings. He struck out seven, walked fifteen or sixteen and somehow left with a 5-3 lead, but 100mph Meatball hurler,Bobby Parnell, blew it in the sixth.

Coming off a terrific outing against Pittsburgh, Arizona starter Max Scherzer was pulled after hurling four innings of slop despite touching 97 mph with his fastball.

Perez struck out his first two batters before serving up a nice meatball to the 21-year-old Upton. Being a first-time All-Star this season, he hit his 20th homer, an impressive shot, which sailed into JFK.