These are real applicants, that reply to my fake ad on Craigslist, who think they are applying to a babysitting gig, with overnight stays, while the parents are out of town. The Ad is fake, but the applicants are real…

Wanna gamble? Well, go ahead, but don’t do it by letting this guy watch your kids.

Try this instead…

Carlos Beltran is set to begin a minor league rehab assignment.  Finally, thanks cock sucker, it is September, and he is starting this shit now?!?

The New York Mets’ All-Star center fielder, has been sidelined since June 22 with a fuckin bruise.  That’s right motherfuckers, a bruise.  He was examined Monday by team medical director Dr. David Altchek and cleared to play without his knee brace, because the doctor told him he was fuckin insane in the first place for needing a brace for a fuckin bruise.

Beltran is slated to be in the lineup Wednesday night for Class-A Brooklyn against visiting Hudson Valley.

In other news, Mets pitchers Johan Santana and Oliver Perez are scheduled for surgery Tuesday. Santana will have bone chips removed from his nipple. Perez is to have scar tissue extracted from the patella tendon of his fuckin hurt ego.

Beltran was batting .336 with eight homers and 40 RBIs when he was placed on the disabled list.

Santana, a two-time Cy Young Award winner, went 13-9 with a 3.13 ERA in 25 starts this year. Perez, slowed by his sore ego, was a bust in the first season of a $36 million, three-year contract. He finished 3-4 with a 6.82 ERA in 14 starts.

In other news, the following players have been reactivated including #86 Batboy Mike…

David Wright has been reduced to a spectator since a beanball sent him to the hospital two weeks ago. The New York Mets slugger hopes to return to the lineup Tuesday and isn’t taking any chances.

He’s planning to wear Rawlings’ bulky, new S100 batting helmet if it arrives in time for the game at Coors Field.

“I imagine they got some pretty smart people that designed them so I’m sure it works pretty good,” the All-Star third baseman said. “If it provides more safety, then I’m all for it even though it weighs close to 300lbs.”

The thicker protection features a composite insert and an expanded liner made of Polypropylene, a hard, supportive material also used in some industrial and bicycle helmets. It faced extensive testing over the last two weeks that included an air cannon firing major league balls to ensure it would hold up.  Even though it shattered everytime, Mike Thompson from  Rawlings, had this to say…

“Some believe that it will withstand a pitch up to 100 mph,” said Mike Thompson, Rawlings senior vice president for sports marketing and business development.

Mets outfielder Jeff Francoeur examined the new helmet and said it’s too bulky and uncomfortable. He also questioned its effectiveness against a high-and-tight fastball from one of the majors’ top pitchers.

“You get hit with a 94, 95 in the head like that it’s going to hurt—no matter what you’re wearing, I think,” he said. “You can say all you want that it’s all protective, but at the same time it doesn’t seem like anything can fully protect you, you know?  Besides, the fuckin thing looks like an old school divers suit, and they are claiming this is new technology?  I just don’t fuckin know.”

Pitchers were hit by comebackers in two of the most brutal plays this season. On the same day Wright and Ian Kinsler were beaned, Dodgers right-hander Hiroki Kuroda crumpled to the ground after taking a liner off the right side of his head. Kuroda, like Wright, spent the night in the hospital and said he felt lucky to be alive.

He will be debuting his new helmet as well, starting this week.

The Mets beat the Cubs 4-1, in the series finale, this afternoon in Chicago.

Nelson Figueroa looked fuckin fantastic today, pitching into the eighth inning and allowing one run on six hits, and had 10 strikeouts.  Absolutely amazing, how he could be so shitty one week and the next week he does great.  Kind of  like the Mets season, in a way.

Figueroa also had an RBI single in the 4th inning, after Anderson Hernandez, of all people, tripled.   Everyone in the starting lineup had at least one hit for the Mets.

Angel Pagan added three hits, and continues to impress the shit out of me. I see an everyday left fielder, if he can stay healthy.

The Mets beat the hell out of meatball tosser, Carlos Zambrano getting 11 hits in 3 1/3 innings.

Francisco Rodriguez earned the save.

Next up: 3 Games in Denver versus Colorado Rockies

In other news, the New York Mets have hired this kid to replace Razor Shines as 3rd base coach…

These are real applicants, that reply to my fake ad on Craigslist, who think they are applying to a babysitting gig, with overnight stays, while the parents are out of town. The Ad is fake, but the applicants are real…

Wanna gamble? Well, go ahead, but don’t do it by letting this guy watch your kids.

Try this instead…

These are real applicants, that reply to my fake ad on Craigslist, who think they are applying to a babysitting gig, with overnight stays, while the parents are out of town. The Ad is fake, but the applicants are real…

Wanna gamble? Well, go ahead, but don’t do it by letting this guy watch your kids.

Try this instead…

The New York Mets continue their series today in Chicago against the Cubs.

Bobby “I Throw One Pitch” Parnell (3-6, 5.08 ERA) will toss his only pitch for the Mets.  Parnell gave up five runs in five innings — all of them on two Ryan Howard monstrous home runs in his last start.  His ERA as a starter is now only 8.82.  Fuckin sweet.

Ryan “Mediocre Meatballs” Dempster will hurl slop for the Cubs.  He is 4-2 with a 5.01 ERA in nine starts at home.  Dempster likes to ride horses nude and bare back with his “male trainer” Fabio before each game.

Today’s Mets line up will include several players, none of which are all stars, and all that suck.  I am not getting to excited for this game.  If we get a victory, fantastic, but I am certainly not expecting any miracles.

In any case, the Mets…